Holding a feeling without being swept away

You can stay with a feeling at a level you can handle, steady yourself, and then gently put it away until you're ready.

Your window

Psychiatrist Dan Siegel described a "window of tolerance": the zone where you can feel things and still think clearly (Education Scotland). Go above the window and you might feel panicky, racing or ready to snap. Drop below it and you might feel flat, numb or far away. Everyone's window is different, and with support it can widen.

Holding a feeling means staying inside your window. Aim for "I can feel this, and I'm still here." If it climbs too high, turn the dial down.

Turning the dial down

A long, slow breath out. Breathe in gently through your nose for about 4. Breathe out slowly for about 6 to 8, as if through a straw. Repeat a few times. A review of studies linked slow breathing with feeling calmer and more relaxed (Zaccaro et al., 2018). In a month-long study, five minutes a day of breathing with longer out-breaths lifted mood more than a mindfulness comparison did (Balban et al., 2023). The NHS offers a simple slow, steady breathing exercise too.

5-4-3-2-1 grounding. Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell and 1 you can taste (University of Rochester Medical Center). It brings you back to the room and the present.

Putting it away for now

When you've done enough, you can set the feeling down on purpose.

  1. Imagine a strong container: a box, a chest, a safe. Make it as sturdy as you like.
  2. Picture putting the feeling inside, or a symbol of it, such as a colour, a stone or a word.
  3. Close the lid. Lock it if that helps. Put it somewhere: on a high shelf, or in a vault.
  4. Say to yourself, "It's safe in there. I can come back when I choose."
  5. Then bring to mind a place, real or imagined, where you feel at ease. Notice what you see, hear and feel there.

This isn't pushing feelings away. It's pausing with intent. If a feeling keeps leaking out, that's a good reason to talk it over with someone. The book The Body Keeps the Score is worth reading on why steadying the body comes first.

Try it in the app

  1. Before a reflection step, set your scale. If you're well above your usual, do the breathing first.
  2. Take a few long out-breaths, then add your notes on the trigger or underneath step.
  3. If it rises too far, skip the step. Grounding beats finishing.
  4. In What you need, write what helped (for example, "slow breath out, cup of tea").

If it gets too much: stop, ground yourself, and reach out. In Aotearoa New Zealand, call or text 1737 any time to talk with a trained counsellor. In an emergency, call 111.

Sources

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These guides are general information, not medical advice. If things feel like too much, stop, ground yourself, and reach out: in New Zealand call or text 1737 any time, or 111 in an emergency.